free fall if I must...

There has never been a time in my life I was actually scared of the future. Everything has been has been 'cut & dry' or I've free falled but always landed on my feet. But now I'm worried... I have someone I love completely & I think that's the only thing I worry about. Disappointing him :(
I know I need a new direction in life but don't want to fail. I've done & gone through so much, but failure was never one... 

its been awhile...

So since my last post so much has happened. I did have to have a 2nd total hip surgery. Which afterwards my amazing sister took care & helped me through everything! & my niece QB was my little nurse getting me water & ice packs & food!! :)  recovery seemed long but got thru it in 6 weeks.

I did meet & am now with a amazing man, who with all my issues & what I've gone thru; I wake up wondering why he's still here? I am so blessed in so many aspects but anyone in this postision knows there's still SO much sadness that I try to bottle up & not show. I'm still in constant pain, physical & emotional. I have to put on a happy face every day all day. & it kills me more that people close to me can see thru all that BS yet I don't wanna be a downer so I say, "what? Nope im OK!"
Again, don't feel sad or upset for me. I truly am grateful for what I have!! Just wish their wasn't so much sadness & pain. 

Sad Saddness...

I haven't posted since March/April for anyone who knows me, obvious reasons. For peeps looking out for my recovery, it went good. But for those just getting in the loop, i lost the love of my life about a month & half after surgery. April 10, 2012 to be exact. Recovery of surgery went very well. But obviously life spiraled down afterward. April was the worst month of my life. Greg, My Love, My Life, My Everything was taken from me. His birthday was 6 day after his death, which is a punch in the face after the punch in the gut. It seems like life just gets sadder & sadder. I feel like I'm just here, but you're just seeing a phantom of me. My Dr. says I'm gonna have surgery on my right hip within the year; we decided we will wait till it breaks. i cant deal with this shit any more. Its funny when people try to tell me about about their problems/shit... & all I'm thinking is... you have no idea...

Road to Recovery...

So the surgery was last week, i didn't post anything before because everything was so crazy and hectic. I had my amazing family by my side during my surgery. And they were there for me my whole hospital stay. I didn't have to stay in the hospital long, my surgery was Wednesday evening & they booted me out Friday at 11am. Maybe they got tired of helping me out of bed every half hour to go to the bathroom? lol But i was so happy to finally be home. Things have been hard but i thought they were gonna be worse. I can do everything by myself pretty much except for driving & carrying things.
The pain now is so unbelievable but its not the same pain i was in before. This pain is all muscle & swelling pain. Right now my left leg is seriously 3 times the size that it is supposed to be, i cant even wear my yoga pants because this leg is so huge & hurts so much. I have a Dr appt today so hopefully they can tell me something or give me something to help the swelling go down? I hoping at this appt they also take out the staples. I heard once those are out it feels a lot better as well.
I had my first PT appt yesterday. The physical therapist said I'm a week ahead of myself and that ill be walking on own in no time. I cant wait to be all better. Everyone i have seen said its official, no snowboarding, skiing, or any fast sports that you are standing for but other than that ill be able to do everything that i have been doing in the past. But i one thing i found out yesterday is that now my left leg is about half an inch longer than my right. I guess the Dr was trying to make me taller :D  Now he will need to equal out my right one when the time comes!

I am so thankful i have such a strong support system and fan base. Everyone has been so helpful & nice. All the kind words, flowers, balloons, cards of encouragement! I luv them all and am so grateful for all the wonderful people in my life. THANK YOU all for being there for me! I'm so lucky to have friends & family like i do! <3

Its a date!

So the date has been set. My surgery is scheduled for February 29th. At first i didn't want to tell anyone, i dunno why. Maybe just childish reasons i guess.  But my work asked me today if they can tell people, not about my surgery but that ill be off for an extended amount of time. so i figured the cat will be outta the bag soon so it might as well come from my mouth. I'm very anxious. I really don't know why. I think I'm more scared of the after pain, than anything else really. I REALLY hate the relaying on someone else factor. I don't like that looming over me. It makes me feel like I owe people something, & i don't like that. I don't like doing things for nothing so I'm pretty sure other people don't either. But i can afford to pay people to "watch" me. Maybe that's the part I'm anxious about the most? If i could go through surgery & come home & take care of myself, i think i would be fine, but i cant so it sucks.
I hate being at work everyday feeling useless. I don't like when people ask if they can do something for me, it makes me feel incapable. I hate this whole thing all together!
But my friend Kristina & my sister Ginny have been so incredible! They both have been such a rock for me in ways they will never even know! Kristina has been there just to be my happy light & get my mind off of things or just to get things off of my chest. Ginny has been my everything. Shes been there to push me to make appts, to just get things going & also to vent my frustration about things i don't think anyone else would understand. So i really luv & appreciate both of them. Everyone else has been awesome to me completely but those 2 have gone above and beyond for me, so i really want to THANK them both!! <3
I have some pre op appts scheduled. One was yesterday, that one was basically to sign my life away. (all legal paperwork & scary surgery stuff)  Tomorrow I have an ultra sound to check on a previous medical issue. Tomorrow night is my surgery class/ support group. Then next Wednesday is the final pre op appt, the for sure this is happening to you appt. Theres soo much to do, yet everything i need to do before i actually go to surgery. I really just with this was all tomorrow so i could just get this over with. :/
but that's it for now...
Thank you everyone for your thoughts, prayers, willingness to help & just listening to me to begin with. THANK YOU ALL FOR EVERYTHING! <3 <3 <3

Update...

I just seen my othro surgeon today. So its confirmed, i need surgery. They want to do a "drilling" surgery in my right hip which they hope will get more blood supply to the joint where i wont need a replacement (for me ever) for serious a while. The other one (left hip) i need surgery asap. they want to do the right one first (hoping my left hip will stay whole until they can get to it) but the left hip i need a total hip surgery. My dr is saying recovery time is 2 weeks, but everything on line says 4 to 6 weeks of recovery time. I oh so pray my dr is right! i cant/dont what to be off work too long! I so hate that i cant do my job as scheduled & the person covering me is prob. so overwhelmed! I honestley miss my position. I hate the one im currently in.
 Everything now is so crazy & overwhelming! All the paperwork, all the anwsers, Questions & the whole surgery processes in general. i guess i need to appoint a person that if i decide to kill over in surgery, they need to tell the dr my requests. Thats crazy to me in itself. Because you think does anyone really know you enough to think in your intrest & what you want for yourself? or what if  your want isnt what they want, will they carry out your want? All of this is wierd for me. I dont like relieing on anyone for anything, So this all super sucks!

I have never had a blog before, but i guess you are just supposed to write about yourself i suppose?
Well this is about me. I have recently been diagnosed with Osteonecrosis. For everyone who doesn't know what it is (like me before i was diagnosed) its a bone disease where you don't get enough blood supply to your bones mostly your joints & they start to die off. It can effect all your major joints (hips, knees, elbows, wrist, ankles & i have recently learned your jaw & ribs) Well mine has started in my hips. Its very painful. I'm not sure if its because of the disease itself or the fact that the disease has caused my hip to fracture itself. But either way, I'm in pain 24/7. I have had several appts with doctors to diagnosis me but after the diagnosis & bad news I cant seem to get anyone to answer my questions which after the shock wears off there are ALOT! Right now i am trying to get a referral to Virgina Mason, i was told that is the best hospital & they will get a whole team of doctors to help you. So here are my fingers crossed that I will get a referral & finally get a response.

But this blog I have created isn't to get sympathy from anyone. Its more to keep my family & friends informed & to vent my frustration, pain & sadness. People have been asking me alot of questions which i haven't been wanting to answer mostly because that would make this whole ordeal real. But the
questions keep coming so I'm just going to open the flood gates & let everyone know.

One thing i REALLY HATE though is when people try to tell me how worse it can be or how "good" i guess i have it. By saying "at least you don't have cancer" or things like that. Honestly, i would rather it be cancer. At least there is a treatment or at least an end to the pain. With this its just sadness & constant pain & waiting for more pain.

So there it is, i have cut my life open & its all exposed. You can ask me question if you want. Tell me how sad you are for me. Or just see what this puts a person through. But this is me & my real life & what i really have to go through.